I have decided to take down all of my earlier posts because lots has happened since I first started and I am in a very different place now. It is a more complex place but a better place I think. I am planning to move to the Psychoanalyse This! blog for a while and perhaps come back to re-visit this blog at a later point. Thanks for those of you who have liked and subscribed to my post. I know I did not say much back to people directly but I did appreciate it. I also wanted to make sure that I was not being too influenced by other people’s opinions in letting what needed to flow just flow out of me. I guess I still feel the same but that also may change in time.
Whoever you are, reading this post right now. I wish you all the wellness and personal satisfaction that life can bring. May the road rise up to meet you.
The thought of losing my job terrifies me. I can’t fucking bear that thought. I just don’t see myself getting another one like it or a situation nearly as good. I want to protect it at all costs. Ironically the cost of such intense attachment could be the undoing of me and a high risk factor in seeming unfit for work.
My psychologist yesterday cautioned me against telling my boss of my struggles for that very reason.
Mid writing this blog my ADHD psychiatrist texted me back (I texted this morning to let him know about my episode) to call him on his home number. We chatted and he is making himself available for me either tomorrow or Tuesday morning. He listened to me very well and he understands what is happening to me (I think) which is an enormous relief. Just knowing he is there makes all the difference right now.
He said “we are just going to work on getting you through”. That is what I wanted to hear. No. That is what I needed to hear. What sweet relief. It brought delicious tears with the sense of unburdening. I think I feel some prose in me about this sensation.
Reading about avoidance strategies and work was on the list and it hit me. Fuck. I am using focussing on work to avoid experiencing unwanted feelings.
Of all the addictions this is the one I least saw coming. I mean, really. Work? It’s not like I have a particularly exciting job. I knew I had been overdoing it but I figured that was my cognitive stuff around prioritizing.
I am wishing I could swap it for at least a more fun addiction.
I understand avoidance is something you want to… um… well… avoid. But I am not even sure what I am avoiding other than housework and… oh yeah that…
Well I only just saw my therapist yesterday but maybe I can see if I can see her again soon. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about the issue I am avoiding.
Well. I guess movement and insight is something.
I was just reading http://roadtocompassion.com/reclaiming-disowned-parts/ and it hit me like a bolt of lightening.
My boss can’t handle my open vulnerability because it is something he has shut down and is in denial about himself. He uses the mask of professionalism as a way to keep hidden. What is for him a shield, a protection from exposure, feels to me like a prison and I feel suffocation.
If I am right and because this is my blog and I can say what the fuck I like I am going to assume I am… then how do I work with that?
I suppose it would be the usual. Empathise with his need to feel safe and to have his timing to deal with his stuff be his timing and not mine. I guess if I can allow myself the separation but also acceptance of his personhood then I can be free of the confines of using the same strategy as him but at the same time open myself up to strategies that can meet both our needs to be where we are at.
Hmmm it is a tricky one indeed. So if I am correct and he is uncomfortable with his vulnerability as many of us are then when I notice him being triggered by my vulnerability I need to remember that it is not that being vulnerable is wrong as such but can frighten and frustrate people when they are confronted with it.
I guess I could probably think of it as not shoving my ability to deal with vulnerability in his face so much too. Just because I am an open book and am OK with it does not mean that he is. It also does not necessarily mean that I am “unprofessional” which is the leverage he is using to get me to alter my behaviour.
I am just me and I am going to continue to be me. I think it is probably too late at age 41 to start creating persona’s just for social engagement. I think instead I am just going to remind myself that when he withdraws it is because he is going into himself for protection and not away from me. I will try to be sensitive and have understanding for the fact that he would not have had the same opportunities for intrapersonal growth…
Man this does sound like I know it all and my boss is clueless. He is not at all clueless but this is stuff that my Mum does for a living and she is very good at it and I have learned loads from her and I am good at it. I would be screwed otherwise frankly.
I can have understanding that he would prefer to not have his disassociated vulnerable selfhood triggered and at the same time allow myself the freedom to be who I am and modify my behaviour within the parameters of what is manageable for me with everything I have going on.
Wow with the way I am talking about it having a fake self to drive around work is sounding a whole lot easier… But I guess that was what I had told myself and I now know that to be untrue. To try to not be authentically me feels as though I am going through a painful separation process. It is funny because when I started this journey a colleague told me that I should stay the way I am. That there needed to be more people like me in the world. It turns out she was right. I don’t need to change I just need to learn to have more understanding for the people when they are triggered by me.
What a load of shit I bet some people out there on the interwebs must be thinking (if anyone even reads this post). Yeah maybe. But as Eric Bowers is saying, it makes great fertiliser!
Words that made me laugh so loud I think people in the resteraunt around me thought I was completely smashed.
But they were true words and I was sober.
I have been doing my utmost to keep any of my life personal dramas from my boss’s door and my goal is to go for at least two weeks.
My friend (god fucking bless her) totally got where I was coming from and the zombie comment was a pretty good reflection of how I felt. I do not want to become a burdensome drama queen in his eyes and I could feel that stereotype creeping into our working relationship.
It was also great to hear my friend tell me straight that I am not a drama queen. I have intense stuff in my life but I do not go looking for it. I have some interesting friends and interesting people can have their complexities but for the most part they are not high drama. There has been some crazy shit going on though… But those are not my stories to tell. Not even in this anonymous blog.
I will say though that recently I put a call out on Facebook asking for friends who wanted to see me to please let me know because I was struggling. The response has been wonderful and I feel so much better for having hung out with some peeps recently. I am very lucky and suitably grateful for the wonderful friendships I have fostered over the years.
So inch by inch I get closer to my goal of integrating into my new workplace and I think my boss is seeing that he can trust me and that I am a good worker. It has been a tough old settling in though. Geez. I am kinda glad I have booked a holiday for next April but I am also a bit terrified to leave before we have our risk management strategies in place for my role. I guess at least now we have a deadline to give a bit more incentive for changes to occur from above.
That way when the zombies come – I will be ready.
…to go away. That is what I feel you say.
I want to know that when I need space you will hear me though I cannot make a sound.
Now. Not now. Now and now again.
Pick me up and put me down like a toy you wish you could still play with and have the same joy but us now somehow… tainted.
I am stained with my neediness. It is like a giant red birthmark spread across my face. You pretend to not look at it but I would hazard to guess it haunts you. What if you have no choice? What if you have to give but you just can’t?
And yet you still tease me forward. You want to seem like you are nice. I think deep down you are too but your addictions and avoidance make you unconsciously abusive.
I hope I can protect us both from our behavior. This working dynamic which does but doesn’t work. I hope I can transcend my resentment and give you empathy, autonomy and space.
Today is my birthday and I wish for the wisdom to see what is mine, what is yours, what is ours, and what is the system. I wish to see, understand and act preemptively. Oh foresight I could use more of you. Oh and the capacity to listen over the roaring of my own desires for instant gratification. That is a whole other birthday wish in itself!
I want you… to let things be. Hold off on your assumptions of me and just wait and see. I think I will surprise you. Pleasantly I hope. I want you to be pleasantly surprised with me.
You shake it this way and I shake it that. We seem to be instep but something’s falling flat. I step on your toes you elbow me in the face. We are pretending nothing’s happened but it ain’t the case.
Smarten up boyo it’s not as bad as you think. Your edgy bloody demeanor has got me on the brink. Chill out for God’s sake and give this shit a chance. After all honey it just a another dance.